It's has been a long time since my last entry. There's just this sense of emptiness within me nowadays. Time and time again, I keep falling back to this state of emptiness. Nothing good happened, nothing bad either. It is just this mundane, routine me that's functioning as a body but not functioning emotionally.
I fear this feeling. I've never liked feeling empty. I've never liked feeling coldness. I don't like feeling indifferent about the things happening around me. I fear when I lose the ability to feel. At least when I am angry or frustrated, I have an emotion to reflect upon. With emptiness, I have nothing to reflect.
God's voice seems to be softer or even muted nowadays. My prayers are repetitive and I feel they lack substance. My prayers seemed superficial nowadays. I am praying because I am taught to pray. But do I really believe in what I pray?
But God is always good. He never fails. I thank God for the sermon today. Pastor Chua's sermon today touched me. It felt like the sermon was made for me. It felt like God was speaking just to me. Maybe I've lost the humility that once swelled within me. It was this humility that brought me to lower down before God and accept that He is the Lord of my life. Once that humility is gone, my prayers lose their power. My prayers loses it sincerity. God is nothing more than a waiter to me then because I am simply giving Him my orders from my desire's menu. I was speaking to God, but I wasn't communicating to Him.
I need to cultivate a prayerful heart. I need to start communicating with God and tell Him everything. I want God to know everything and how I feel. Things that I don't want to tell anyone but Him. I realised that without this prayerful heart, I end up getting impatient. I end up being less compassionate. I end up being cold and ignorant to things around me. Worse of all, I end up judging people.
To me, judging people is something I've never liked. I detest how easily corrupted one's judgement can get. I hate it when I judge someone. This subconcious judgement has been rampant within me nowadays. It is getting superficial. I was so frustrated with myself and I ask why is this happening to me. I wasn't like this before but things are changing. I keep asking myself why.
Thank God, I had my answer today. The reason was I keep asking myself why. I should have asked God. But God gave me the answer anyway. I've lost my humility. I am starting to become arrogant and proud. I am starting to trust my own abilities more than I trust God. This results in empty prayers which in turn creates a drift between me and God. The cycle goes on and on.
I am coming back to You LORD, again. I am amazed no matter how many times I disappoint You, Your grace is sufficient to bring me back. You don't pull me back, You draw me closer to You. I love You LORD. May those who read this be my witness that I've declared You to be the LORD of my life. All glory to You on high.
As for my readers, I've written this post for two purposes. One is for me. I need to write this down in order for me to remember this. I need you all to be a witness to my rededication to Him. By His grace and mercy, if I should stray once again, my Christian brothers and sisters, do me a facour by reminding me how much I need God to be in my life. Thank you!
The second purpose is to tell everyone out that something. You can never come to believe that God is the truth until you humble yourself down. If you cannot bring yourself to see how lowly you are or how insignificant your existence is, you'll never be able to believe in God. No matter how much gospel is being preached to you, how much miracles are performed before you, your calloused heart will be just like the Pharoh during Moses time. Never trust the praises of men, for they carry little substance and are quick to fleet. Each has his own agenda. However, God has only one agenda for us, that is to love and save us. Earn the praises of God, never of men. Such is the lesson I've learnt from this period of emptiness within me that has robbed much of my happiness and peace.
Till then, let me start filling up my life again. Let me not seek my own glory but only the One that sits high above the throne in heaven. All glory to God and His name on high! Amen.