Haha! Finally back from another week in NS. Just read my previous entry. The english is horrendous! I have no idea why I wrote it that way. Maybe I was just too sleepy.
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of observations and thinking in NS(surprised?). I spent much time looking and observing what other people do. I came to one conclusion, self centred behaviour is a trademark of everybody.
When people are in need, you lay out your hands to help them. You lend them your equipment, you help them clean their area when they have to do some 'urgent' personal stuff. But when it comes to you asking them for a favour, they always have an excuse. "I am busy." or "I need to do my area cleaning ( didn't I just cleaned it for you?)" are some common examples.
Well, they do help you sometimes. But it is funny to find a certain pattern in that. Most of the time, you'll find them helping you only when the sergeants are around. Then I wonder, could this be coincidental? Maybe. After all, your sergeants are the ones that will give opinions to the PC as to whether you would be able to make it to OCS. Officers need to be kind and caring I guess? So you have to SHOW to the sergeants you are kind and caring.
I don't blame them, because I find myself starkingly similar to these people. One can never realise this until he or she brings himself or herself out of their own prespective. It is easy to look at others and find their faults. But it is not easy to do the same for yourself. It is easy to set standards for other people, but it is not easy to follow that same standard you set for others. Sometimes, I feel so ashamed when I realised that I help people not out of the heart of loving and caring for them but because I want to make myself presentable on their peer appraisal list. I find it disgusting when I know that I can go an extra mile for my poor tired friend there but I simply choose to ignore him. I myself am a strong opposer to hypocriticism. Yet, time and time again I find myself commiting the same mistake I do not approve. I am stuck in this irony, just like how Adam was in a dilema when Eve offered him the forbidden fruit.
All I know is that we humans are so self centred. Everything we do, there is bound to be a hidden agenda. An agenda that suits our thinking and our wants. We need to overcome this barrier. Come to think of it, much of the conflicts and sufferings we have stem from the simple, undesirable nature of selfishness.
If there is one that I would pray for, it would be to get back to the path of light, to God's own loving arms. Too many times I have disappointed Him, too many times I have hurt Him. I don't want to cheapen His grace, to trample on His mercy. As I head back to camp, I am determined to change this horrible side of me. I don't want to be just anyone. I want to be someone, someone that glorify His name to the fullest. Grant me the strength LORD...