Lately, I have been spending lots of time all by myself. Be it at home or taking long bus rides all by myself. The feeling is funny, sometimes fustrating.
I don't know about everyone else but lately, I have been missing the school days, or at least having the urge to participate in some activities that requires me to interact with people. I somehow feel fustrated, even to the point of despair when I find myself all alone. In other words, I feel lonely.
The irony comes when I look back at the times that I had during my schooling days. Back then, I always longed for the end of A levels and the start of this 3 months long break for me. I was fustrated then because I had so much work and things to do. Stress seemed to be piling up endlessly on me. On the contrary, I am fustrated now because I feel useless and aimless at times. I even come to the point that I wished that I was back in school now preparing for A levels and immersing myself in that demanding and stressful situation.
Can we ever(or can I) be satisfied on what we have? It seems to me that I've always demanded so much changes in my life. It seems that I have never been satisfied in the kind of lifestyle I have. It is like being a wet cloth hung out to dry and when it becomes dry, it is destined to become wet again. Satisfication. What exactly is that? Is it a hunger for stability or a hunger for change? Are we satisfied only when we find ourselves in a stabalised situation or are we only satisfied when we find ourselves in the state of change? I always like to quote this unknown saying, "The only thing that is constant in life is change." We change everyday. One day you find yourself becoming handsome and the next day, you find yourself older and wrinkled. As much as our surroundings change, so does our demands in life. But then I realised, if this carry on, I can never be satisfied! I will never be happy and contended with what I have!
This is a dangerous thing. Am I going to lead a life of sadness and unfufilled satisfaction and only to die feeling unaccomplished? That is something I never wish will happen. It opposes to what I've always believed in life, that is, to lead a fruitful life. I started to reflect on my state. I questioned myself as to why I am feeling like this? Is it because I lack a goal in my life? No. I always wanted to be a missionary doctor and be someone that can inspire and glorify God. This dream of becoming a doctor has always been with me since the age of 6. Then I realised why. Even though I had a goal in life, I did not alter my lifestyle to focus on acheiving this goal. To put it simply, during this period of time, I did not engage myself in things that will help me in acheiving this goal. I did not push myself hard enough into a lifestyle befitting to this goal.
One major flaw was that I seem to be falling away from my faith. Not so much to the extreme of not believing it but I find myself being less zealous for God. I find myself wanting to talk to God less. I find myself drawing away from God. I don't know how and I don't know why but I guess my relationship with God went on a downhill ever since my break up. I started doing stupid things that I have no idea why I am doing them. I find myself contradictory. How true to say that a man is dried to the bones if he does not have a lasting relationship with God. That is exactly how I feel. I feel so spiritually dry. Take away all the things that keep a man busy and you find him restless and aimless. He carries no hope at all because all that he hopes for is only in this life and they are taken away from him. This is a point of realisation. My relationship with God is now suffering a crack and I need to mend it. I want to fall back into His arms. I have no one to depend on but Him. He is my Rock and my salvation. All this while, it seems to people that I am a zealous believer of Christ. But a reality check within my soul shows that I am foolishly weak. I only pray that God strengthen me back into who I was and make me steadfast in Him.
All in all, I realised that satisfaction in life only comes about when you fulfill the following criteria:
1. You need to have a clear goal.
2. Your goal is stable, meaning, it doesn't change as and when you want it to.
3. Action must be taken to acheive this goal, otherwise, it is just another useless day dream. No changes or improvements in your life can be acheived if you don't execute your actions.
4. You must depend on something dependable in your life to fulfill this goal.
Hopefully, you guys will find this realization of mine helpful. May God bless you all! :)